While recent polls show that N.C. State fans may not be in full agreement about whether Sidney Lowe should come back for a sixth season (we hear his tailor is among the holdouts), there is one thing we can all agree on: Sidney Lowe is a nice guy. The noble way he’s handled himself during what appears to be the waning days of his tenure in Raleigh is something Muammar Qaddafi could really learn from. However, sometimes nice guys just aren’t good fits for certain jobs, like Conan O’Brien or Jimmy Carter.
Therefore, as a service to Coach Lowe, who will be tied up at least through N.C. State’s ACC Tournament opener on Thursday, I have taken the liberty of preparing a potential resume, just in case.
N.C. State Head Coach, 2006-??
Just five short seasons ago I became only the fourth Wolfpack coach ever to win 20 games in his first season. Critics prefer to dwell on the fact that I’ve never won more than six games in the ACC or reached the NCAA Tournament. But just wait until C.J. Leslie, Ryan Harrow and Lorenzo Brown figure it out. (Seriously, can’t we just wait?)
Biggest Win: North Carolina.
Biggest Losses: North Carolina, North Carolina, North Carolina, North Carolina, North Carolina, North Carolina, North Carolina, North Carolina, North Carolina, North Carolina.
College Coaching Record: 86-77, 25-55 in the ACC.
Previous Positions (in chronological order)
Minnesota Timberwolves Assistant Coach, 1992
Doled out enough spirited “Attaboys” to Luc Longley to become the logical successor to the Jimmy Rodgers coaching era.
Minnesota Timberwolves Head Coach, 1993-94
Had less than two seasons to prove myself. Produced a .245 winning percentage in my first season and a .244 winning percentage in my second season. We were just beginning to establish some consistency.
Cleveland Cavaliers Assistant Coach, 1995-99
Sure, we didn’t have a stellar record during these years, but at least we never lost 26 in a row. You try winning in Cleveland without LeBron.
Minnesota Timberwolves Assistant Coach, 2000
Apparently, they missed me. Just sayin’.
Vancouver/Memphis Grizzlies Head Coach, 2001-03
Can you believe I got another NBA head coaching job? Me neither. So we finished 23-59 in 2001 and backed that up with an even better 23-59 in 2002. In my final season I only lost eight games (out of eight) before opting to resign. OK, OK, I was fired, Donald Trump-style.
Minnesota Timberwolves Assistant Coach, 2004-05
Good to know I’ll always have a job in Minneapolis.
Detroit Pistons Assistant Coach, 2006
Hated to leave a sweet gig like this, but the old alma mater had me on top of their wish list … after they’d scratched out Rick Barnes, John Calipari, John Beilein and Steve Lavin.
NBA Head Coaching Record: 79-228.
Indiana Pacers, Detroit Pistons, Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Hornets, Minnesota Timberwolves. Yes, I sampled much of the Eastern Conference and averaged less than three points per game, but I played in The Association. Have you?
Tampa Bay Thrillers, Albany Patroons, Cedar Rapids Silver Bullets. I scored some CBA bling and, c’mon, how many people can say they’ve been a Thriller, a Patroon and a Silver Bullet?
Won the 1983 NCAA championship as N.C. State’s starting point guard in the greatest upset in the history of the NCAA Tournament. (That’s not worth another year? Really?)
Degrees: Business Administration, St. Paul’s College.
Languages: English, Coachspeak.
Special Skills: Survival.
Other Accomplishments: Nice guy. Not Herb Sendek.
Good luck, coach. Call me if you need a reference.